Can an investment banker who talks like Gordon Gekko and a barista who quotes Shakespeare be happy together? Of course! The things we need most from a significant other have very little to do with money. 

But in the holiday rush of gift buying and event planning, that quiet truth can easily be drowned out by the merry jingle jangle of cash registers.

If you’re feeling any financial pressure this holiday season, carve out some time to talk with each other. Learning how to communicate about your finances can bring the two of you closer than ever. 

(Does money ever come between you and your friends or family? The tips in this guide can help with that too!)

Is it really important to talk to your partner about money?

Spoiler alert — yes, it really is.

Whether you’re planning your next vacation, saving to buy a home, raising a family, or working toward retirement, money management and financial planning are a big part of making sure you both feel happy, confident, and secure in your future together.

Doesn’t that sound amazing? Oh, heck yeah. It feels pretty great. The key is to open up a healthy, constructive dialogue so you can build the future you really want — together.

Five money traps you don’t want to fall into

Do any of these feel familiar? The first step in getting where you want to go is recognizing where you are today. 

Don’t think of these as mistakes — they’re just old patterns it’s time to shift out of. These 5 money traps are common symptoms of not knowing how to talk about your finances as a couple.

1. Ignoring money-related issues

We’ve all been there — ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away. But pushing off the conversation won’t make things better. When couples don’t talk about money, small issues can build into frustration and resentment, not to mention more financial problems.

Are you hiding your money concerns in the proverbial closet? Here are some of the things you might be telling yourself:

  • “I’m not happy about how we’re handling money, but I don’t want to upset my partner.”
  • “I don’t want to cause problems. I’ll just try to change how I feel.”
  • “I don’t fully understand our financial situation, but I’m afraid to ask. Money problems are scary for me, and I don’t want to sound stupid or ungrateful.”
  • “Maybe things aren’t as bad as they look. I’m nervous about our financial position, but I’ll wait for a while and see if it gets better.”

2. Not working together on your goals

You and your partner are a team — together, you can achieve anything! But for couples who bring home different paychecks, talking about saving money, creating joint accounts, or paying down debt can feel stressful. 

If you feel like you and your partner aren’t on the same page about your financial goals and how to reach them, it’s time to bring each other closer and create a more open dialogue about money.

3. Financial infidelity

Both lower earners and higher earners can feel self-conscious about their paychecks, leading some couples into the shadowy realm of “financial infidelity.” 

What is financial infidelity? It can mean hiding wealth in separate bank accounts, opening secret credit cards, hiding loan or debt balances, lying about how much you paid for things, or otherwise not being fully honest about your financial position. 

Financial infidelity can drive a powerful emotional wedge between you. If you’re hiding financial facts from your partner, or if they’re hiding their finances from you, the best way to come clean is to address the underlying fears and dynamics that are leading you both down that path.

4. Feelings of embarrassment or guilt

Because our self-worth can be so tied up in our financial health, it’s not uncommon for people to feel embarrassed or guilty about their financial situation. We’re socially conditioned to measure our value financially, but money is not the gold standard in determining self-worth. 

Making less money than someone else is nothing to feel ashamed of, and making more money isn’t something to feel guilty about. Either way, money isn’t the most important thing you can bring to a relationship.

Still reeling from past financial mistakes? They don’t define you. 

5. Unresolved arguments — and potential break-ups

Money imbalance doesn’t lead to break-ups by itself. Ignoring problems, not working together, financial infidelity, and feelings of embarrassment or guilt are the real culprits. These are the things that can crack the foundation of an otherwise healthy partnership.

The good news? There are plenty of happy couples who make different amounts of money. 

Anything you’re struggling with can be solved with the power of resilient communication. Be honest about your finances — and about your feelings. The more open you are with each other, the closer you’ll be to a long, joyful life together. 

Wondering if love and money are related? We asked nearly 1,200 people about their relationships and their finances. See what they said.

Nine tips to work through money imbalance issues

What are the keys to powerful, resilient communication? Holding true to the following principles can help you shift into a brand new dynamic when it comes to talking about money.

1. Shift your own mindset first

If you head into any conversation in your relationship thinking, “They’re not going to like this,” you’re probably right. Even if this time would have been different, anticipating a problem has a good chance of creating one.

Human beings are great at reading body language, and we tend to mirror other people’s emotions. The more nervous, uncomfortable, or guarded you feel when you approach your partner, the more they’ll key in on that and start feeling the same way.

So how can you shift your mindset and start expecting a better result? Change your whole approach. Stop focusing on the end result and start asking questions.

2. Get “ALL” curious about each other

Let’s say you’re planning a vacation. One of you wants to stay at a swanky downtown hotel. The other found a pet-sitting deal where you could stay for free if you’re willing to share your space with a passel of poodles.

The one who likes the hotel probably has expensive tastes, right? And the pet-sitting aficionado will do any crazy thing to save a few bucks. But … what if that’s all wrong? What if the hotel is just near the free museums they like to explore? And what if the poodle appeal is about missing a childhood pet?

Just remember “ALL.” When you set out to Ask, Listen, and Learn more about the amazing person you love, you’ll open up a whole new world of possibilities.

3. Stay open to the possibilities

Let those exploratory questions lead to more questions, and let the conversation take its own natural flow. 

The more you try to control things and turn them in a certain direction, the less successful you’re likely to be. But the more you stay curious, the more likely you are to learn something that just might change everything.

We all want to feel known and loved for who we really are. The more we feel like someone really wants to listen, without any agenda, the more we want to share. 

Give your partner a safe space to speak, and don’t worry about where the conversation goes. Be patient with the process. Talking in a way that brings you closer together is already a win.

4. Expand your goals

The more you share with each other, the more you might start to see a bigger picture. The question isn’t really how to choose between the hotel and the pet-sitting apartment. It’s how you can both get the most out of your vacation together.

Most arguments come from a win-lose perspective. When there are only two choices — this or that — one person gets what they want and the other doesn’t. If that’s the conversation, it’s no wonder you both feel defensive.

Opening up the conversation gives you a chance to redefine your goals. How can you support each other in having an amazing holiday together? 

5. Consider the power of “no”

As you start to expand your options, try this game-changer: What if you both had the absolute right to say no — to anything? It’s a simple, powerful technique with several benefits:

  • Neither of you can get stuck in a situation you hate
  • You’ll have to work together creatively to come up with new ideas
  • It’s practically a guarantee that you won’t repeat past mistakes

Don’t want to stay in a swanky hotel? Say no. Don’t want to pet-sit on your vacation? Say no to that too. The second either one of you says no, that idea is off the table. Period.

The process can take time, sometimes more than one conversation. Just remember to stay curious. Ask why you’re each saying no — not to argue about it, but to help you come up with something better.

Ask, Listen, and Learn.

6. Be a safe space for each other

When you start living by the power of no, you create safe spaces for each other without even trying. “No” gives you both room to feel confident and secure in your own free will. 

The simple act of respecting someone’s autonomy raises their self-esteem. It raises their trust in you. It makes them feel seen, heard, respected, and loved.

Over time, it will make you both feel safer about financial conversations. When that happens, it’s time to put all the cards on the table.

7. Agree on a policy of honesty

The safer you feel with each other, the easier it will be to talk about your finances. You might still have hesitations or concerns, but you’ll feel more confident tackling them as a team.

Just remember not to backslide as the full picture comes out. No accusations. No judgment. Take in the facts, sit with them if you need to, and then make a plan — together.

One final tip on honesty — don’t ask “ultimatum” questions.

  • DO ask calm, factual questions: “Is this the biggest debt we have?”
  • DO ask open questions: “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
  • Do NOT ask: “Do you swear there’s nothing else you aren’t telling me???”

Give your partner a reason to feel safe, and trust them to share what’s important. Don’t back them into a corner that makes them feel scared to share anything else later.

8. Scale your expenses

Couples have different ways of splitting expenses. The important thing is that you both feel like your system is fair and sustainable.

Some partners split up the bills so they’re each responsible for different ones. Others might pay all the bills out of a joint account that each partner contributes to every month. 

Sometimes, one partner might be out of work for a while. Talk with each other about the right way to cover the bills, save money in the meantime, and restore that income.

Whatever system you choose, be honest about how much you each feel like you can afford, and work together to come up with a plan that makes you both feel confident and secure.

9. Share your gratitude

Sharing your financial journey is an important part of being in a long-term relationship, and, equally true, the value we bring to relationships as human beings is not about money.

How much is it worth to have a partner who always believes in you, who’s always there to cheer you on, who’s always in your corner? That’s a game-changer. You can’t put a price tag on that.

Make it a habit to thank each other every day — for everything. The hours at the office. The grocery shopping. Picking up the kids. Walking the dog. Cleaning the house. 

“Thank you for always being there.”

“Thank you for trusting me with your heart.”

“Thank you for believing in me.”

Moving forward together

Even in a sustainable system, your personal finances are always changing. Prices rise, cars need new tires, and old appliances finally give up the ghost.

Stay on top of your system and tweak it as time goes on. Add an emergency fund to weather any storm. And a tax-advantaged retirement account to grow your nest egg.

Finally, make sure you have an easy way to check on your finances — something that puts you both equally in the driver’s seat, so you can stay on top of your plan together.

If you aren’t already using one of Quicken’s apps, Simplifi by Quicken is a great place to start. Named Best Budgeting App by New York Times Wirecutter, it lets you track your spending together and a whole lot more, all for less than the price of one venti latte per month.

Want to check it out? Try it free for 30 days.